Luau Pig

  Recipe by: Bill Martin Luau pig is a bit labor intensive, but
  outstanding!!! Round up some large male friends and neighbors. Tell them to
  bring shovels. You go and buy about 6 cases of beer and some ice to keep it
  cold.  (About a half a case per male friend or neighbor with shovel - no
  shovel, no beer).

  Prior to getting your friends and neighbors together, look around and find
  a source for very old, round river rocks, that have not been in or around
  water in a long, long, geologic time.  What you're trying to find is good
  cooking rocks, that won't explode when you heat them.  You'll need about 15
  to 30 the size of your head, depending on the size of the pig.  Wood, a big
  hunk of chicken wire fencing to go around and lift the pig, small spool of
  stainless steel wire, lots of burlap bags, and banana leaves if you can
  find them.  (leaves of "Elephant Ear" plants will also work, as these are a
  form of upland Taro)  You'll also need one or two pieces of sheet metal big
  enough to cover the pit completely, and two pieces of plywood to go over
  the sheet metal.  Heavy gloves for everyone.

  Once you've got the rocks, the neighbors, the beer, the small to medium
  pig, and a big pickup load supply of hardwood, (preferably mesquite, but
  any good cooking hardwood or fruited will do.), assemble your friends and
  neighbors with shovels in your backyard and dig a hole. About 4 or 5 feet
  deep, and about 10 to 12 inches bigger than the pig all around. Drink beer
  about 3 times during the digging if its a hot day. Now, at about 3pm, build
  a medium size fire in the bottom of the pit.  When its burning well, put in
  a bunch of your rocks around the fire, then start sliding pieces of your
  hardwood vertically into the bottom of the pit, all around the sides of the
  pit.  Get it??  Keep loading in wood, fairly fast, as it burns to coals,
  until you have a bed of red-hot coals about 1 to 1.5 feet deep.

  Meanwhile, some of your other friends and neighbors have cleaned up the
  pig, (it has been gutted, right??), it is laying on layers of: 1) wet
  burlap, 2) banana leaves, 3) wet burlap, 4) chicken wire, 5) pig, on its
  back, legs in the air.  Season the pig with about a cup of rock salt, and
  black pepper. Next step is to fish 3, 4, or 5 hot rocks, (whatever will
  fit), out of the fire pit, and place inside the stomach cavity of the pig.
  (before putting in the rocks, punch some holes in the belly skin, on both
  sides so you can wire the belly skin together over the rocks.) Working
  quickly now, fish the rest of the rocks out of the fire pit, make a shallow
  depression in the coals with shovels or garden rakes, heaping some of the
  coals up the sides of the pit; wrap the chicken wire, burlap, leaves and
  all around the pig, wrap and hold with wire.  Leave the two edges of the
  chicken wire sticking up out of the burlap and leaves on top.  These will
  be the handles you use to lower and raise the pig into and out of the pit.

  It should now be late afternoon, early evening.  Lower the pig into the bed
  of coals.  Place the hot rocks around and pile on top of the pig.  Rake
  coals over the sides of the pig.  Cover the pit with the sheet metal, with
  the plywood on top.  (The plywood is there to supply strength for the next
  step.  If your sheet metal is fairly thick and heavy, {strong}, you can
  forget the plywood.)  Now shovel dirt from the hole all around the pit to
  seal the edges of the sheet metal, shovel about a half inch of dirt or more
  on top of the sheet metal for insulation.  Drink more beer.  All but 3 or 4
  of your friends can go home now.

  Get out some lawn chairs, set up a table, bring the TV out to the backyard,
  layout a couple sleeping bags, and take turns making sure nothing catches
  fire, (the plywood), and not too much smoke and heat escapes.

  Depending on the size of the pig, anytime from about 10am next morning and
  2pm next afternoon, have all your friends, and their families show up with
  their part of the potluck.  Drinks, potato salad, poi if you like that
  sort of thing, fish dishes, Jell-O and dessert. Carefully rake away and
  sweep away the dirt from the top of the pit. Remove the plywood and sheet
  metal.  With rakes or shovels, gently pull away the coals and hot rocks
  from around the pig.  With rakes, or hooks made out of rebar, about four
  guys grab both sides of the chicken wire and carefully heave the pig out of
  the pit.  A wooden table is best at this point, and lots 'n lots of pots,
  bowls, and large containers; plus a garbage can to discard the bones. Open
  the chicken wire and pull away from the pig. (It is traditional in Hawaii
  that the guys who have done the hot, heavy work of cooking this pig, gets
  first choice of the crackly skin and meat that clings to the chicken wire.
  Yummmmmmm!!) Using big cooking forks and the biggest knives in your
  arsenal, carve and rake the meat from the bones and put into the pots,
  bowls and containers. (The meat should be so tender at this point, that it
  nearly falls from the bone.)

  During the carving, someone should take *all* the rocks out of the pit and
  then be watering and putting out the fire that remains.  (The rocks will
  shatter and explode if you water *them*). The rocks need to be taken out of
  the pit and set aside safely so no one gets burnt on them, and saved for
  the next luau. Even watering the pit, the hole will be quite hot, so a
  couple guys should start filling it in with the dirt they took out
  yesterday!

  You've worked hard.  Drink more beer.  Eat.  Life is good!!!!